Hey there! Pull up a chair, grab a cup of your favourite beverage, and let’s have a real talk about something that’s probably been on your mind, even if you haven’t put it into words yet. 

We’re diving into the messy, beautiful world of maintaining your identity in relationships.

The ‘Good Girl’ Trap

Remember when we were kids, and the adults would coo over how well-behaved and helpful we were? “Such a good girl,” they’d say, as we helped mum in the kitchen or fetched things for dad. Fast forward to now, and sometimes it feels like we’re still stuck in that “good girl” mold.

From day one, we’ve been taught that being ‘good’ means putting others first. It’s like we’ve internalized this idea that our worth is measured by how much we can do for others, especially the men in our lives.

Here’s the kicker: while being caring and considerate are beautiful qualities, somewhere along the line, we started to lose ourselves in the process. It’s like our identities became a reflection of someone else’s needs and expectations. We became someone’s daughter, someone’s wife, someone’s mother – but where did ‘we’ go in all of this?

The ‘I’ in ‘We’

Now, don’t get me wrong. Relationships are awesome, and that sense of belonging to a family or a partnership can be incredibly fulfilling. But here’s the million-dollar question: Can you tell me who you are without mentioning your relationships?

If you’re struggling with this, you’re not alone. In our culture, we’re so used to defining ourselves in relation to others that sometimes we forget we’re individuals first. But here’s the truth bomb – you are a whole, complete person all on your own. Your relationships should complement your life, not complete it.

Why Your Identity Matters (Like, Really Matters)

Okay, so why am I harping on about this? Because, my friend, your identity – the real, unfiltered, beautiful you – is your superpower. Here’s why:

You’ll Be Happier: When you know who you are and what you want, you’re more likely to make choices that align with your true self. And that leads to genuine happiness, not the ‘log kya kahenge’ (what will people say) kind of contentment.

Your Relationships Will Thank You: Bring your whole, authentic self to your relationships, and watch them flourish. Two strong individuals make for a much stronger ‘us’.

You’ll Handle Curveballs Better: Life has a way of throwing surprises our way. A strong sense of self is like an emotional anchor that helps you weather any storm.

You’ll Inspire Others: By embracing your identity, you give others permission to do the same. Imagine the ripple effect you could create!

The Real Talk: Why It’s Tough

Let’s address the elephant in the room – maintaining your identity can feel like swimming against the current. Here’s why:

• The ‘Log Kya Kahenge’ Syndrome: I repeat myself because god knows it’s what plagues us most of the time. We’ve grown up with this constant background noise of “what will people think?” It’s like society is always watching, always judging.

• The Superwoman Complex: We’re expected to excel in our careers, be the perfect bahu (daughter-in-law), raise kids, and look like we’ve just stepped out of a salon – all at the same time. Talk about pressure!

• The Guilt Trip Express: Choose yourself, and suddenly you’re made to feel selfish. It’s like self-care is a dirty word.

• The ‘Adjust Kar Lo’ Mantra: How many times have we heard “just adjust” when we’ve voiced our needs? It’s like our happiness is always supposed to be negotiable.

Finding Your ‘I’ – A Roadmap

All right, enough with the problem. Let’s talk solutions. Here’s how you can start reclaiming your identity:

1. Get to Know Yourself

Sounds obvious, right? But when was the last time you sat down and really thought about what YOU want, not what’s expected of you? Start a journal, take personality quizzes, try new things. Date yourself!

2. Set Boundaries (Without the Guilt)

It’s okay to say no. Really, it is. Start small – maybe say no to that extra helping of food you don’t want, or that social obligation you’re dreading.

3. Pursue Your Passions

Remember that hobby you loved before life got in the way? Pick it up again. Always wanted to learn something new? Go for it. Your interests are part of what makes you, you.

4. Build Your Girl Gang

Surround yourself with friends who get you, who support your growth. There’s nothing like the power of sisterhood to remind you of who you are.

5. Redefine ‘Selfish’

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, right?

6. Have Those Difficult Conversations

Talk to your partner, your family. Help them understand that your need for individuality doesn’t diminish your love for them – if anything, it enhances it.

7. Seek Role Models

Look for women who’ve managed to maintain their identity while navigating Indian relationships. They exist, and their stories can be incredibly inspiring.

A Word to the Wise

Change doesn’t happen overnight, especially when we’re talking about shifting deeply ingrained cultural norms. Be patient with yourself. Every small step towards asserting your identity is a victory.

Remember, embracing your identity isn’t about rejecting your culture or your relationships. It’s about finding a balance where you can honour your roots while also growing into the unique, amazing individual you are.

Your identity isn’t something to be sacrificed on the altar of relationships. It’s the vibrant, beating heart of who you are. Nurture it, celebrate it, and watch how it transforms not just you, but all your relationships for the better.