Let’s talk about something that often gets brushed under the rug in conversations about sex: the orgasm gap. Yeah, it’s a real thing, and if you’re unfamiliar, it refers to the very real, very frustrating disparity between how often men and women orgasm during heterosexual sexual encounters. Spoiler alert: men are having way more orgasms than women, and that imbalance is as common as it is overlooked.

While many aspects of modern relationships are progressing toward equality, when it comes to sex, women’s pleasure still often takes a backseat. Whether it’s due to misinformation, cultural taboos, or a lack of communication, the orgasm gap persists—and it’s time we unpack why.

What Is the Orgasm Gap?

So, what exactly are we talking about when we say "orgasm gap"? It’s the difference in frequency between men’s and women’s orgasms, specifically in heterosexual encounters. Research consistently shows that men orgasm significantly more often than women during sex. In fact, a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 95% of heterosexual men reported orgasming most of the time or every time they had sex, compared to just 65% of women.

That’s a huge difference. And while it’s easy to chalk it up to biology or assume it’s just "the way things are," that’s not the full picture. The truth is, this gap isn’t inevitable—it’s a result of a deeper issue.

Why Women’s Pleasure Gets Sidelined

There are a lot of reasons why women’s pleasure still tends to take a backseat, and most of them are rooted in culture, societal expectations, and a lack of education.

1. Sex Education (or Lack Thereof)

Let’s be honest—sex ed in most places is pretty dismal. For many people, the extent of their sexual education revolves around reproduction, contraception, and avoiding STIs. Female pleasure? Barely mentioned. The clitoris? Often completely ignored.

When we’re not taught about women’s bodies, it becomes harder to prioritize female pleasure in sexual encounters. Many women are left figuring out what feels good on their own (often much later than they should), and many men are left with little understanding of how to please their partner. The result? Women’s pleasure becomes an afterthought, and the orgasm gap widens.

2. Cultural Expectations and Gender Roles

Cultural norms and gender expectations also play a big role in the orgasm gap. We’ve been conditioned to think of sex as something that revolves around male pleasure, with penetrative sex being the "main event." The problem with this is that the majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. In fact, studies show that around 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, but the focus on penetration means this often gets sidelined.

Women are also socialized to be the "givers" in relationships, which can lead to them prioritizing their partner’s pleasure over their own. This can make it harder to speak up, ask for what they want, or express when something isn’t working.

Meanwhile, men are often taught that their sexual performance is tied to their masculinity, leading to pressure to focus on their own orgasm as the "goal" of sex.

It’s a cycle where everyone loses—especially women.

3. The Myth of the “Natural” Orgasm

There’s also this persistent myth that orgasms should just "happen" during sex, without much effort or communication. For women, this simply isn’t true. Reaching orgasm often requires clear communication, specific types of stimulation, and an understanding of what works best for their body.

But when the myth of the effortless orgasm persists, women can feel like something is "wrong" with them if they don’t orgasm easily or quickly. This can lead to silence, frustration, or even faking it to keep their partner happy. Meanwhile, men might assume that if their partner isn’t orgasming, it’s because she’s not "trying hard enough"—when really, it’s about understanding what she needs to get there.

4. The Pressure to Perform

Let’s not forget the performance pressure that plays a role in the orgasm gap. Many women feel pressured to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own, thinking that their value in the bedroom is tied to how satisfied he is. This pressure to perform—to be the “cool girl” who’s always down for sex and who doesn’t need to ask for much—can make it harder for women to advocate for their own pleasure.

At the same time, men are often taught that their job is to "get the job done" and that their partner’s pleasure is secondary. This mindset shifts the focus away from mutual satisfaction and onto a one-sided goal: his orgasm. And when sex becomes focused on performance, rather than connection, women’s pleasure often becomes an afterthought.

What Needs to Change

So, how do we fix this? How do we close the orgasm gap and make sure women’s pleasure is treated with the importance it deserves? The answer isn’t just about technique—it’s about shifting the entire way we think about sex.

1. Education Is Key

First and foremost, we need better sex education. This means teaching both men and women about female anatomy, especially the clitoris, which is still a mystery to many people. Women need to learn how to advocate for their own pleasure, and men need to learn how to prioritize their partner’s needs, just as much as their own. Sex education needs to go beyond "don’t get pregnant" and actually talk about how to have satisfying, mutually enjoyable sex.

2. Communication, Communication, Communication

We say it all the time, but it bears repeating: communication is key. Women need to feel comfortable talking to their partners about what they need to orgasm—whether it’s clitoral stimulation, different positions, or more foreplay. Men, on the other hand, need to be open to hearing that feedback without taking it personally or feeling like they’ve failed.

Sex isn’t a performance—it’s a partnership. The more couples can talk openly about what works for them, the more likely it is that both partners will feel satisfied.

3. Shift the Focus Away from Penetration

We’ve been conditioned to think that sex revolves around penetration, but the reality is that most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. Shifting the focus away from just penetrative sex can help both partners understand that there’s more to pleasure than the "main event."

Oral sex, manual stimulation, and clitoral focus need to be seen as just as important as penetration—and for many women, even more so.

4. Reframe Pleasure as a Shared Experience

Ultimately, sex should be about shared pleasure, not just a means to an end. Reframing the idea of sex as something that both partners should enjoy equally helps to ensure that women’s pleasure is prioritized, not sidelined. When sex becomes a conversation about mutual satisfaction, the orgasm gap naturally begins to close.

It’s Time to Put Women’s Pleasure First

The orgasm gap is real, but it’s not inevitable. Closing the gap starts with education, communication, and a shift in how we approach sex.

Women’s pleasure should never be an afterthought or a secondary goal—it should be just as important as anyone else’s.

By making space for real conversations about what women want, need, and deserve in the bedroom, we can close the gap for good and create a healthier, more satisfying sexual experience for everyone involved.