In the many epic tales of romance, from Shakespeare’s time to today’s Netflix rom-coms, one pattern persists: the emotionally unstable man and the woman who takes on the Herculean task of “fixing” him.

But why, in the grand saga of love, is it often women who are tasked with the emotional cleanup? Let’s dive into this conundrum and see how societal expectations, gender roles, and a little bit of patriarchy keep women in the role of the “emotional janitor”.

The Weight of Emotional Labour

First, let’s talk about emotional labour — a concept that goes beyond just listening to your partner vent after a bad day. Emotional labour is the unseen, often unacknowledged work of managing not only one’s own emotions but also the emotions of others.

In heterosexual relationships, women are frequently expected to take on this role. It’s as if the relationship comes with an invisible job description: “Must be have empathy, emotional tolerance, and possess an ability to deal with the lack of emotional maturity”.

Now, this doesn’t mean men are emotionless robots who can’t manage their feelings. However, society has long told men that showing vulnerability is a weakness. So, when a man does express his emotions, often it’s his female partner who’s there to catch the fallout. This unwritten rule places women in a position where they must not only handle their own emotions but also bear the weight of their partner’s emotional instability.

The Hero Complex

Many women fall into the trap of the “hero complex,” where they believe they can save their partner from himself. It’s a seductive notion — fixing someone means you’re essential to them, right? And who doesn’t want to feel needed? But here’s the catch: constantly being the fixer can lead to a dynamic where the woman becomes more of a caretaker than a partner. This isn’t exactly a foundation for a healthy, balanced relationship.

The problem with this dynamic is that it perpetuates the idea that women are responsible for the emotional well-being of their partners. This not only creates an imbalance in the relationship but also places undue stress on the woman, who may begin to see herself as a nagging caregiver rather than an equal partner.

The “Nagging” Stereotype

This trope has been around for centuries, painting women as relentless nags who just can’t let things go. But where does this stereotype come from? Often, it stems from the emotional labour women are forced to take on.

When a woman tries to address her partner’s emotional instability or asks for change, it can be dismissed as nagging. She’s seen as pushy, overbearing, or demanding — when in reality, she’s just trying to make the relationship work.

This stereotype often works as a defense mechanism for those who don’t want to confront their emotional issues, turning the tables and making the woman the problem instead of addressing the real issue: the man’s need for emotional growth.

The Double-Edged Sword of Caregiving

Taking on the role of the emotional fixer is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can create a deep emotional bond, as caring for someone can bring people closer together. On the other hand, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and a skewed power dynamic.

When one person is always the fixer and the other the fixer-upper, the relationship becomes unbalanced. The fixer may start to feel more like a parent than a partner, leading to frustration and a breakdown in the relationship.

Moreover, this dynamic can prevent men from developing the emotional tools they need to manage their own feelings. If someone else is always there to pick up the pieces, why learn how to keep it together in the first place? It’s a vicious cycle that keeps both partners trapped in roles that neither of them truly want.

Breaking the Cycle

So, how do we break this cycle? It starts with recognising the problem and changing the narrative around emotional labour.

Men need to be encouraged to explore their emotions, seek help when needed, and take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. Women, on the other hand, should feel empowered to set boundaries and refuse to take on more emotional labour than they can handle.

In relationships, both partners should strive for emotional independence while also supporting each other. It’s about balance — being there for your partner without losing yourself in the process. Communication is key, as is a mutual understanding that both partners are responsible for the emotional health of the relationship.

A New Role for Both Genders

The stereotype of the emotionally unstable man and the emotionally burdened woman isn’t just outdated — it’s harmful.

It keeps men from growing emotionally and puts unnecessary stress on women. By shifting the narrative, we can create healthier, more balanced relationships where both partners share the load equally.

In the end, relationships are about partnership, not martyrdom. It’s time we left the emotional janitor job behind and moved towards a future where both men and women are equally responsible for their emotional well-being.